Happiness comes in many different forms to different people. Just like any other emotion. It can create a mood and change your outlook. Lately, my outlook has been tested. My happiness has been test. I feel that it has been good character development for me and maybe to another. We shall see. But we will talk about happiness tonight.
Joy. Pure love. Excitement. Happiness. Contentment. I am defined as this most days I see and hear my sweet little daughters voices. Hearing my oldest (almost 4) pray with thanks at dinner time. It has been beyond heartwarming lately because she is now expressing her emotions outwardly in prayer. Tears filled me and my hubbs eyes. IT was pure bliss. Heartfelt. Happy. Our littlest one (almost 20 months) folds her hands, closes her eyes with the occasional peek & smirk, prays.
Joy in the sprinkler, talking about Disney and meeting a “real” princess… Excitement. Seeing a toddler respond to the simple joys in life and seeing how simple joy really can be obtained. Even if it is just jumping in a puddle. Sticking your tongue out to catch that rogue snowflake. You can have joy without having anything. Zero, zilch. We really can have contentment with simple pleasures.
I have found myself these past few years wanting to simplify, do away and regain my house. Materialism isn’t necessarily bad. But sometimes, you get crowded and you loose focus on what is important. For instance. When I was first married, I didn’t need nice things. I knew I would work towards nicer furniture and so on. But that was not my priority. Once I had my first daughter and did not return to work, I ended up seeing flaws in things and hoping for new. (Little did I know, knew meant it would look old when you have kids drooling, eating and peeing on your sofa. Hehehe) I was seeing myself as not content. Things had to be clean, perfect and really not for others, but for me. To feel like I achieved an accomplishment during my day. I was so used to working for so many years with an end goal. It is funny how you end up in a different frame of thinking. Here’s how.
I had my second daughter. I was tired. And I didn’t care. I was done. In a kind of good way. Let me put it this way, I am grateful to be here. After having my second child, I wasn’t sure I would be here. Pre-eclampsia has really impacted me and my health to this day. I am grateful to be here. And I feel it was a reminder after my first pre-eclampsia fear, I was being reminded in my second. Be grateful. Be content. Be, Happy. Enjoy life, it is the only one you have.
I have gone back and forth with different levels of sorrow. Depression crept in. It wasn’t the baby blues or a condition like that. I am sure it was hormone related. But people in general were really breaking me down and breaking my heart. It was painful to go into public and come home feeling uplifted and happy. I was sick of the drama, mean attitudes, bad drivers and unkindness was flooding in and covering all the good things. Heartbreaking. I was my worst critic though.
It wasn’t until recently I have seen things and people the way they are and have accessed finally that you cannot change them. You can pray for them and hope for the best for them. Even in odd situations that you wished never happened. These experience help us grow.
What do I focus on? My girls. Their outcome. Being content and just going with the flow. God really has put some things into perspective. Sort of like the character, Anton Ego from the Disney’s Pixar, Ratatouille. He was looking for perspective from this new chef. And he knew he wouldn’t find any, but boy was he wrong. He had a full dose of perspective where he least expected or probably wanted.
I am a roller-coaster I suppose. Once I was a free spirit, happy go lucky. Then uptight and afraid of making a mistake or making someone unhappy (this was from my childhood thinking as well and a way I thought as a child so it came back to haunt me. Like blasted boom-a-rang. This is something I did to myself. Not my husband, nor my children. It was me worried I would fail as a mother and not live up to expectations. That I would raise my kids a certain way and ruin their futures. But those were lies. Complete lies I was believing. I was a great mom and knew it deep down. I am a great mom and I am happy. I am content. It just took some wake up calls. It took life events to open my eyes to see the truth. My kids tell me everyday that they love me. And I love them. My husband is my love of my life, my joy and my earthly foundation. God is my stronghold and glad I have his grace. I have his love and forgiveness. He sees my heart. He knows my sorrow and He is always there for me. I am grateful.